Just scroll down near the end to get to the main point. Might be a long back-story of how it started but I'd really appreciate some help with this issue that's been giving me a hard time because of how I f*cked up.
I've always wanted to share this story somewhere and tell someone so I thought I should just put it here:
Before coming to the Jos I was haunted by a negative spirit. When I was in my room I had a feeling I was being watched and whenever I focused on this feeling sometimes it would get stronger and I'd be overwhelmed by this fear and couldn't move and was basically paralyzed for a while until I got out of there and got to other house members. The first time was easy and I just ran but as it happened more and more often it got worse and could feel it tearing into me and this white energy(probably my soul?) coming out leaving me in shock(My eyes were closed when it overwhelmed me). One time I woke up in the middle of the night and saw this black figure floating beside me then my eyes immediately shut itself and was basically sleep paralyzed freaking out. Another time I suddenly got it again and felt a really disturbing entity walking towards me. I felt helpless because my parents didn't take it seriously and my prayers didn't work. I was in summer school and it was the night before my important exam, I started reflecting on how this year was until I remembered about these strange occurrences. I started thinking about what it was and remembered this show about Succubus hauntings and how this man had similar symptoms as me.
I would feel weight like someone was trying to sleep on me, and most of the time my penis would suddenly start to go up and I just realized it that night. I came to the conclusion it was that. Because I never had a girlfriend or got laid, as well being pretty desperate lol, I started looking forward to the next one which immediately to my surprise just happened. My penis just shot up, I felt a presence beside my bed and it wasn't negative or overwhelming it just felt like something was there. I put my hand outward trying to caress its side rib, I don't remember what I said but I said to it that I realized it was a succubi and welcomed it to have sex with me as long as she was gentle, as soon as I said that I felt my penis jolt and swell for like 5 seconds, it was like it was going to climax but it didn't and it was really intense. When it stopped I was bewildered but got this feeling that I should turn my body flat facing upwards and as soon as I did I felt her mount me and an intercourse sensation began, I was in shock to see nothing on top of me but the feeling that someone was. I kept making sure that I wasn't dreaming and thinking about religion and the occult. To be honest it wasn't that enjoyable compared to masturbating, but it was alright until suddenly my legs started to twitch like crazy and it had me worried but I was just lying there amazed about witnessing the reality of the paranormal right before me.
2 hours passed and she was still doing it, as I said before it was a night before an exam and unfortunately I really had to go to sleep as school was in the morning. I kindly told her the situation and if we can continue this tomorrow or later but I felt like she didn't hear anything at all or ignored me completely. I started swearing but still nothing. When I got up it stopped however my legs were still twitching on their own, I went to the washroom to take a big leak and then went back to bed but she started it again. I sorta just gave in and tried to enjoy it more so that I can climax and she'll leave, I felt she was aroused by this and all continued as normal until something happened. I felt fingers, near my butt, and she started poking it in? and as soon as she did I shouted out loud "Not there" but she kept on doing it, I tried covering it with my hands but to no use. I told her to f*ck off, tried covering my genitals/anus and lying downwards but she was still able to have intercourse with me. It was until then I realized that I should get rid the erection by masturbating and as soon as I did the sensation stopped and I felt her leave and went to sleep. I woke up really tired but I managed to finish my exam at the last minute.
The starting of one of the problems:
That whole experience changed my life and I'll never forget it. The rest of the summer I spent thinking about it and looking for more information online. I realized what she was trying to do with that weird thing.. I felt really bad about it because I welcomed her in the first place and should've did so another day. I would spend a majority of my day lying in bed waiting for her to come again but she never came. One day my mom shouted at me that I haven't been eating and it was only then I realized so I put it aside and moved on. After awhile I stumbled on a site called https://succubuslove.wordpress.com/ it's a nice site that mentions the Joyofsatans meditation page, and I read about the various ways to summon a succubus. I tried doing the mirror method with no success but I had a dream about a mirror and when I looked closer there was an image with a black haired girl with tanned skin looking at me with a kind and innocent smile which somehow freaked me out and woke me up. I did the candle ritual by lighting a green candle and asking Lillith. The first time I did it, and said Lilliths name, the flame started to flicker and hiss two times. I thought it was a sign, I tried to get a drop of blood but I was too afraid and only got a very tiny amount after 10 minutes and I got no results. However a few days later I went to my relatives house and played with her cat. The cat accidentally swiped me and to my surprise it was the same finger that I used in the ritual and quite a lot of blood came out. I thought, was this her way of telling me I'm a puss* cat? The cat then gave me a look that it wanted to cuddle. I would repeat the same ritual many times and actually getting blood but with nothing at all until I almost set my bed on fire and then I stopped. As school was coming I was filled with anxiety and I lay on my bed nervous, I was thinking about the succubus until suddenly it just happened again with the same 5 seconds of intense bliss followed by the intercourse sensation and the twitching leg syndrome, and this time it felt slightly better but very short. I started to chuckle at the thought of having sex with a piece of air then I felt she was offended and it stopped. I was really sad and wanted more but I just felt a swipe at my balls and felt she left. Despite leaving I kinda felt like she was still there watching over me. One night I felt this dread coming like another kind of this paralysis attack was about to happen but I felt whatever it was trying to do failed and the reason for this I'm uncertain but I believed for the time that she was protecting me. Because of supposedly befriending a succubus and being loved by someone I took better care of myself and improved my hygiene and when school started I was a completely different and a more confident person. After a few days I found the Joyofsatan and started reading it and finally dedicated after a few weeks. As soon as I went to sleep after dedication I heard a voice say "Let's get rid of this" and saw something black being taken out of my body.
After a while I went back to my laying down habits and trying to focus on her, after starting to enter a deep trance I saw this somewhat disturbing image, it was a red haired girl that looked familiar to something I saw from a hentai but its eyes were completely black with pale skin. It looked at me showing its menacingly long and sharp teeth it was scary. It was only after 1-2 years I realized that this was a gray/enemy thought form but because of being the retard newbie I was I thought this was her and began fantasizing about it in bed for a time. Every time I felt severely tired and depleted after waking up, and every time I felt this feeling that something was trying to tell me to stop it and it was only after a month that I did. But from time to time I would just lay down and focus on her. I got a vision again and this time saw this cute innocent looking blonde haired woman with a single rope braid coming from the back. Her eyes were closed and she was focusing on something and I thought it was maybe her trying to communicate to me as well. One morning I woke up and then went back to sleep trying to induce a lucid dream and to my success I did, then I saw her lying down next to me and she said "wow you're good at this", I tried to turn my body to give her a hug but ended up waking myself up. This was the only time I ever succeeded at a lucid dream.
Because I was unsure of this succubus, I did a ritual to father Satan for a succubus but I felt like he was annoyed in some way but asked for a Monogamous Succubus who was loving, caring and friendly. Just encase I didn't have one.
I never got a visit for a long while, and focused more on my studies and getting hooked on league of legends trying to get Gold V to impress my friends. When I realized I just couldn't I moved on, but was really depressed so I focused more on meditation to improve myself. I would still try to fantasize about the succubus with the image I saw in the dream with the mirror and with other kinds of appealing women. I wanted to make a closer bond so I started to try and mentally hug her and just sit on my bed and feel her energy and giving her a hug while lying down. I would do this after school and after awhile as it felt more enjoyable I would go home during my school lunch-breaks, ditching time spent with my friends to lay down in bed and feel her warmth upon me from the winter cold. One time I was lying down and started to fantasize her giving me oral, and to my surprise it started feeling more pleasurable until I realized it was an happening on its own. Again the 4-5 seconds of bliss electrified my genitals and then the sensation started, and then leg twitching. The oral sensation was amazing and very pleasurable, I didn't want it to stop but then my mom shouted it was time for school. I sadly told her I had to go now and thanked her very much. I felt the sensation stopped then got ready and left and was really happy. I came back from school hoping it would continue as soon as I got to bed but nothing happened. However every time I closed my eyes and mentally visualized her and gave her a hug I could feel her warmth and love so I wasn't too dissatisfied or lonely. I really felt like she was there protecting me. Some guy in school shoved his elbow at me and told me to move, the next few days he didn't show up to school and to my surprise came back with a cast covering his elbow. Another time there was this guy rushing towards me and told me to move in a rude manner, I don't know how but it seamed like something pushed him and he fell onto the table all confused. Sometimes when I walked by a light switch, it would turn itself on and off as I walked by it. I made sure no one was trying to prank me. One time I opened the door to the entrance of my house and the light went on by itself. One time my mom told me that she felt something negative about me but she was a christian-hindu so I didn't pay a single sh*t. But when I was thinking about negative spirits I got scared and then the lights started flickering on and off repeatedly. It wasn't just in my home, at math class (the boring class for me) the light switch went off, the teacher walked towards it and said "must be a problem with the lights today" and switched it on, when he turned his back to it it went off again, he turned it on and the same thing happened, I heard him gasp and saw him shake when it did and turned it on for the last time and it stayed. I tried not to let this get the better of me and start acting like a stereotypical witch boy that was like "I have the power, bow down before me". Because I didn't and that I don't actually know anything and what was happening but it felt awesome.
I finished Highschool, and not only that but the 6 month warfare training manual, I've also been constantly doing my yoga as well. I felt really accomplished and advanced, and like I was on my way to something beyond. A few weeks after that I woke up to my moms voice, and surprised I saw the same blonde haired woman lying down beside me with her head next to my pillow looking at me with a proud smile. I saw her blue eyes and tanned-white skin, she was beautiful but she faded in like 2 seconds. Probably because of my brain frequency leaving the sleeping state and into the waking. A few days after that I would get another one about her, undressed and in a mounting position but I was too nervous in that dream. The next dream I was in the washroom at my school. I took my pants down and then the blonde haired woman just popped up in front of me and grabbed my genitals, and I felt the intense bliss sensation, I moaned and saw her look at me with a smirk and then I became lucid and realized I was actually in a dream. The scene changed to a bedroom and I pushed her on the bed and we had intercourse. The feeling of it in her was unimaginable beyond belief, much more intense then the jolting bliss. I gave her a series of kisses and she started blushing with a red glow on her cheek. I accidentally woke my self up and shouted a great big f*ck.
My college year started, and with it started the decline of my spiritual progress but I got more into warfare and even got a glimpse of an enemy reptilian trying to threaten at one time after an rtr. I still felt her presence and sometimes dozed off at school to fantasize about her. The lying down in bed was still a problem but rarely but I hadn't realized it was that much of a problem until I missed an internship interview because of it, then I started to realize that this was an actual problem. One time I had a dream that she was having intercourse with different men looking at me but I put it off. It still upsets me to this day.
Betrayal:
I only loved her, there were many opportunities to hook up with other girls(who were cute) in school but I didn't and stuck to her and this was the success to our relationship. My mom said we're going to Fiji to visit my uncle, my uncle owns a huge farm on top a hill with a valley of mountains. Farm animals are free to walk wherever they liked and they would go back to their huts when called to. People and animals in nature, in harmony, this was paradise. My uncle is married to a woman who has 2 of her own children from a different father that my uncle adopted. So they are basically my step-cousins. One of them was my childhood friend who I was actually quite attracted to the last time I saw her. It was only when I went back I remembered. We stayed at their house. She was wearing very seductive clothing that was on my mind all day and night. After awhile I began to fantasize about her. I barely meditated at all because of the issues of being in someone else's house and I put my mind off the succubus because I felt like I needed a break from her for awhile. These thoughts started to invade my head thinking she's not real and that maybe she left me because she never shows up when I wanted her to. Then I fantasized more about my childhood crush and then programmed the ball of energy to make her sexually desire me. My mom and me had a fight because this retarded kid who is my brother started hitting this puppy and abusing it, when the puppy shouted I grabbed his arm and told him to stop, he tried to throw a swing at me but I blocked it with my hard knuckles and he went off crying. My mom shouted at me threatening to beat me if it happens again despite telling her what he was doing to the puppy, and she just said "Dog is dog and human is human". I was mad and told her to f*ck off and to never spout out any of her religious dogma to me ever again and that she aint no "messenger of god". That night I went to bed upset about the ordeal and then my crush came and tucked me in, comforting me and we were talking, she decided to lie down next to me and talk. To the point, basically I worked my hands under her shirt, I felt like something was screaming at me, a violent feeling until I got to her nipples and then it stopped. The girl asked "Is there anyone you love?" I said no, but only then thought about my Succubus. I didn't touch her vagin* or anything and felt that if I did, something really violent would happen. A few days after I became horribly sick but only for a while. We had to go back home, after we got back home and a few days passed I was lying down in my bed. I thought about my Succubus and was only beginning to regret what I've done but was assuming that if the dream was of her trying to imply she was polygamous maybe I'm in no trouble right?. I started to fantasize about her and masturbat* and after getting much more relaxed a disturbing vision popped up in my head. I saw the face of that blonde woman looking at me shocked, her eyes were wide open, her eyes pale blue instead of the usual dark blue slightly watery and her lips emotionless. Her eyes then moved from my face to my pelvis. After the vision, I realized I was in deep sh*t.
It was only after awhile did I get the idea to send her energy, then continue with the mental hugs and still felt a bit of warmth and love. I had a dream of the woman I cheated her on, she stroked my penis then said "Bye love". By that I had thought maybe she left me, and then the next year I was a depressed mess. I had streaks of good spiritual progression and then streaks of decline. Up and down it would just continue. Because of the incident I felt farther away from her and I was getting more desperate until I looked up the backpage for hookers to meet. I would text with various woman but when they got to the point of "Are you coming"? I just couldn't and bailed them. One night as I lay in bed another "vision" appeared. A muscular blonde haired man sitting on a throne, his eyes were focused staring off ahead. He looked sad but also tense prepared to hear something he didn't want to hear, and his eyes were wide. A reddish haired girl approached him next to his ear to whisper something, the woman looked sad as well, like she didn't want to tell him but had to and after gulping, spouted something hesitantly and as she did the mans eyes widened even further, his eyes became paler blue, shocked and then angry, and gave a despicable look. Maybe his was Satan, or maybe this was my Succubus's father? I tried doing a ritual to Satan but didn't get any response. But only a few nights after I had a dream telling me "Go ahead". I still tried to meet up with a hooker but ended up bailing because of the guilt for my succubus. I got a job, but it was a brutal job in a warehouse with closed doors to the outside world. Whatever they told us we had to keep doing it. As I worked I visualized my succubus giving her a mental hug and it eased a lot of stress, but then my managers complained about this and said "You tired? Get the f*ck out". I sat outside at a bench hopeless. I saw a small baby bird hopping along its way, I focused on its head seeing if I could get it to come to me and to my surprise the bird flew over to me cheeping curiously. I gave it a piece of bread and it flew along its way and then I remembered the power of the Occult and Satan and the gods, and overcame the depression of losing my job. A few weeks passed I was still jobless, but I still had faith. My Dad worked a deal with some guy, and the guy told me to give him my resume and that he can guarantee me a job that was beside me. A few days later, they called me in, the manager and me just talked for 1 minute, asked that I just get the job done and did the paperwork for me, shook my hand and said "congratulations you're hired." You start tomorrow. I thanked Satan a lot for it.
However, the work environment I was in, was with being with a lot of very attractive women from time to time, and you know after working your ass off you can't help but get dirty fantasies looking at them to ease your mind, especially when they have revealing clothes. But I tried my best hoping that I can mend my Succubus relationship. She still wouldn't visit me.
I was still grateful for Satan helping me get a job because the events that played were certainly out of this world. I spammed the financial rtr with 108 reps for 2 days and then followed more the days after to show my appreciation. After a few weeks at night I felt like something was trying to attack me, sometimes I would wake up with a feeling that something negative was watching me but this was nothing new and put it off as normal. I had thought that I had made the gods proud and that maybe my Succubus will forgive me so I lay in bed at night calling her and waiting for her to come. Opening myself and anticipating her arrival.
I woke up, but not physically. I was standing beside my bed looking at myself sleeping, I felt a negative presence and soon felt something grab me. It got me down then I was in extreme pain and fear, it was also trying to be pervertive. I realized I was either lucid/astrally projected and tried to wake myself up but I couldn't wake myself self up and the pain became worse. At first I called the succubus to help me but nothing and then I kept calling Satan with a very desperate intent and then came to my mind to try and fight back. Whatever it was kept dodging or it just went through it until finally a bald man showed up glowing in bright gold, wearing a white robe. He threw this black matter ball at the entity and then the attack stopped. He pulled out a blue energy sword and gave it to me and I held it. At first it was hard to swing, as this was my first time but I turned looking at the entity, entrapped by the black ball that had expanded on it, and swung the blue sword pathetically but somewhat accurate and it let out a hiss. The black ball dissipated and with it the entity. I was in too much shock to say or do anything else and was relieved that it was finally over. I woke up with my heart beating like crazy, traumatized for the next couple of days. I started growing hatred for my Succubus because of her that I got attacked and she wasn't there to protect or help me. But I tried to put it aside. At night I talked to her mentally about seeing other women and getting to try sex and see what it's like with mortal women for a one time deal and then I can decide. I heard a womans voice echo "I understand". But it was after only a few months that I brought myself to do it, called an escort over at night to my bedroom. I massaged her chest and then she mounted me, I just couldn't get an erection, maybe it was the condom, but I couldn't get a turn on. Imagine a soggy hot dog thrown into a hallway. After she left I was just crying, I tried to hug my succubus but felt nothing at all and for the first time ever.
I had also gotten into the habit again of being in bed all the time and also I got into mobile gaming so for days I was in my bed, gaming, fap, eat and sleep. Months passed after that at the time during yule I was in my bed all day fantasizing about my succubus, as soon as I climaxed had a vision of her appear again. She was looking at me to her side, disgusted and annoyed, she could barely even look at me but she was looking, with her shoulders all the way down. I could tell she was disappointed. After that I uninstalled the mobile game I was addicted to and limited my fap tendencies. I could not tell what that vision meant, but I felt it was for the better and somehow still gave me hope. I would still get the urge to try again with some other woman or escort but I put it off because something was different, I couldn't feel arousal of being with women anymore because of either the event or the guilt. When I went back to Fiji I saw my childhood crush again, but before doing so I removed all links towards her and approached her as a stranger. I told her about the Succubus but she put it off and thought I was screwing around. Afterwards she got a brutal injury, and every time she tried to bring it up something bad happened to her. I just put it off and thought good for her. I left with no regrets and proud that I fixed part of the mess. This time I was certain I've regained my Succubus's trust. One night, around the same time that I met her in my lucid dream. I visualized Satans sigil and asked him for his help to encourage MY Succubus to visit me. The same night I felt someone mount me and intercourse began, It felt very pleasurable and the feeling of her wet vagin* was ecstatic, but I was freaked out because it was too sudden and also because of memories of the attack. I was in a dreamlike state when it happened, and woke myself up because of getting freaked out but when I got to sleep again it started. There was no moment of intense bliss that I usually felt before intercourse but the intercourse itself was VERY good in this dreamlike state that I was lucid of. As I got into the state again it continued and I tried to let it happen and enjoy and then it felt better, she had both her hands on my shoulders for support and her skin was very soft however I could not see her. Soon after her right hand started sliding down to my rib, the part where I had gotten injured a long time ago leaving it slightly disfigured but she started feeling it. It was soothing but her hands on my chest felt very sensitive and ticklish, it was overwhelming and then her hand slipped down beside my armpit and that was just overkill. I called for Satan to help as I couldn't take it anymore and it took a long while but it stopped. But I when I went to bed for the last time I felt her beside me holding one hand over me resting. I still never got a vision/dream of her to this day.
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The point, I was visited by a Succubus who was the primary reason I got into the Joyofsatan as she made me realize demons are not all that evil. It may not have been the same succubus but the rituals I've done were for a monogamous one and may have been successful. But my chart also supports a spiritual relationship too. After working towards her heart I betrayed her not only once but twice. She can barely look at me and I have no idea who exactly mounted me in the end as it felt different. To this day I still get these thoughts of other women but I snap out of it and focus on her. I visualize her and try to give her a hug and can still feel her love and it's very stress relieving. But sometimes I feel something negative.
I had an astrological reading done by Lydia and she said I have a yod.
Chart Rulers: Uranus (main), Jupiter, Saturn
Chart shape: Yod
"You have a yod, tight aspects (less than 1/2 degree) and Moon at the apex. As the Moon moves very fast, having it as the yod apex is significant as most people born the same date as you don't have the yod"
"Your Moon is also the apex of your Yod configuration, consisting of your Sun-Neptune sextile, both inconjunct your Moon. As the apex points to your 7th house, this has to do with significant relationship in your life. Your Venus, the planet of love, is conjunct your South Node, an important point of fate. This further shows that a significant love relationship from past lives will re-enter your current life, and you have mentioned that this already happened. This was definitely fated and will likely last forever."
It's highly unlikely that she may be an enemy of Satan but I'm uncertain if she'll forgive me I tried communicating with her but sadly nothing and I don't know how I'll get an answer. Same thing with Satan on this subject but one time I heard someone say that I need to be patient when I was asking what I should do, but for how long? I really don't know why she won't see me and it's been a year now and I really don't like waiting like this. Whether it be negative or positive just tell me what needs to be said. So should I give up or keep trying? When I try to let her go I get more depressed and don't feel like meditating because of it so I'm in an endless loop here. I even tried destroying links.
And I have no doubts that the enemy has done their part to sabotage this relationship. At first I asked for her name in which I heard ordinary common gentile name the other time I heard "Gabriella", then "Gabourielle" from the Ouija board which is disturbingly close to the angelic thought-form Gabriel and sounds negative to me but I still call her succubus most of the time to be safe.
